Since the Normandy went down
by fallenangel8794
Summary: Garrus tries to keep his life on track after the Normandy gets destroyed. But it's hard to move on when his dead commander is giving him tactical advice.


**A/N: Writers block and a weird mood and this is what happens. A series of Journal entries by Garrus detailing his life in the two years Shepard is dead. Companion piece to "Fear"**

* * *

**One day since the _Normandy_ went down…**

It's been confirmed. The _Normandy_ was destroyed. It's gone and so is Shepard. They haven't found her body, but they never expected to. There was hardly anything left of the ship…just burned and broken metal.

* * *

**Seven days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I can't concentrate on anything. Everything just reminds me of her and how empty it all feels without her. I hear her, sometimes, telling me to shape up. So I do, because it's what she wants.

* * *

**Thirteen days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I saw her today. She was watching me in Specter training, telling me where I needed to improve if I wanted to get better. I did what she said and increased my score. It felt nice to see her again…

* * *

**Twenty days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

They are planning a memorial for her. They want her entire crew to be there. She didn't have any family left, not since Mindior. Everyone else is going to be there, so I guess I'll go too. Liara was talking about making some sort of speech…

* * *

**Twenty three days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Shepard saved my ass in training today. We were bunkered down together, just like old times. An infiltrator from the other team was cloaked and trying to flank us. She told me to watch my six. I got him.

* * *

**Twenty five days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

The memorial was nice, I guess. We all had to get up and say what it was like to be on her crew. Liara cried and hardly got through it. She talked about how much she owed Shepard for saving her on Therum. Tali did better than I thought she would. She talked about how much she admired Shepard and her unique ability to see things differently. Wrex said more for her than I've ever heard him say for anyone. He told everyone about when she had helped him find his family armor. Kaidan gave a nice speech about how she always listened. He was trying hard to stay professional. Then it was my turn. She told me to make her look good. So I did. I told everyone how much I had learned from her and how I would always honor what she taught me. When I returned to my seat, she told me I did well.

* * *

**Thirty days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I know she's dead. Hell, she got spaced. No one can survive that, no matter who they were in life. But I keep seeing her. Like at chow today, she made fun of what I was eating. I told her off, just like I always did. One of the other guys asked who I was talking to. I said Shepard. But she got spaced, he said. I know, but sometimes I can just imagine what she would say. He got it, said it felt the same way when his dad died. Maybe it's normal for turians then…

* * *

**Thirty three days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

She helped me again. How can she keep helping me if she's dead? I know it's not healthy to see her anymore, but I'm so lost without her. How did I come to rely on her so much? She's just one human.

* * *

**Thirty seven days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

The Council is denying the Reapers. The Citadel is still a mess because of Saren and the geth. There are still pieces of Sovereign lying around, too, but they're convincing everyone that it was just an advanced geth ship. After everything we went through…

* * *

**Forty five days since the _Normandy_ went down….**

Talked with Shepard over dinner. I told her what the Council was doing. She was pissed. 'But what should we expect?' She asked me. Then she said, 'It was my finding and it's a damn freaky thing to think about. Without me to put a boot up their collective asses, it's not surprising.' That made me smile. I never smile without her.

* * *

**Fifty two days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I help bring down a rogue Specter and still no one at C-Sec cares about what I can do. There are too many rules and regs. Another criminal gets away because they would rather play it safe.

* * *

**Sixty days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

It gets exhausting training for the Specters and maintaining my job at C-Sec. If I didn't have bills to pay, I'd quit. I got so used to fighting outside the rules with Shepard. Now it's hard to follow them. Maybe that's what my dad was getting at…

* * *

**Sixty eight days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Shepard sat in my office making fun of me today. She knows how much I hate all the red tape. If only she hadn't… left. Then this would be easy. She told me that there was always a spot on her crew for me.

* * *

**Seventy three days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Even the Alliance is denying everything Shepard said. Bastards. She saved the Citadel and risked her life over and over to make sure of everything and they don't even care. I don't know how much more of this I can take…

* * *

**Eighty days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

It's funny; I don't pay attention to the dates anymore. All I can think of how many months it's been since she walked into my life and changed it forever and then, always the hero, was taken out of it again. Nothing else matters anymore. Only what she taught me.

* * *

**Eighty four days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Shepard showed me a new way to dominate humans in hand-to-hand today. I'll try it next time we do drills in training and see if it really works as well as she said. But, she might just be messing with me. I wouldn't put it past her.

* * *

**Ninety two days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

It worked better than she said. The drill instructors were happily surprised. One of them said I just might make it. He reminded me of Shepard.

* * *

**Ninety nine days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I got put on another drug case today. Maybe this one won't get away. Maybe he'll slip up just enough and I can nail him. I hope so. I think I'm going crazy.

* * *

**One hundred and three days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I'm getting some solid leads on my case. I might actually get this one. About time. Shepard said not to get my hopes up, to keep my head in the game. False hope is a hell of thing, but it's better than no hope.

* * *

**One hundred and ten days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I got my invite to the C-Sec charity ball today. I don't really want to go. I hate formal events, but Shepard said she would go with me if it would make me feel better. I would pay good money to see her in anything other than fatigues or armor.

* * *

**One hundred and twenty days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

The third lead on my drug case has led me nowhere. It's so frustrating. Shepard leaned against my desk and told me to take a step back and look at it another way. What other way? I have no clue. She left before I could ask. I swear the spot where she was leaning was warmer…

* * *

**One hundred and thirty three days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

We got it. She helped me look at it a different way and I think I can get this guy even with all of C-Sec's rules. I feel so stupid that I didn't think to look at it like that before. Why do I need her to tell me how to do my job?

* * *

**One hundred and forty one days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I got a nice message from Tali today. She's back with the fleet and the data that Shepard gave her on the geth made a great Pilgrimage gift. She asked how I was doing, if I needed anything. I told her the truth. Nothing seems to matter anymore. I miss the old days working on the Mako and then watching Shepard throw it off a cliff. Never thought I'd miss her driving.

* * *

**One hundred and forty three days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Tali does not miss the Mako. At all. She thinks it would have survived the crash, since it survived Shepard's driving. After all the work I put into that damn thing, it better have. I asked her if she ever sees Shepard.

* * *

**One hundred and fifty days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Finally heard back from Tali. She said she thinks she sees Shepard all the time, passing by in a crowd or on the other side of a door. But she's never there. How can she be? She's dead.

* * *

**One hundred and fifty five days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

The drug smuggler is in hiding. I got too close and now there are thirty three regulations telling me to wait it out. Damn it.

* * *

**One hundred sixty six days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

The C-Sec charity ball is in a few days. I haven't seen Shepard today. I wonder if she forgot about me. She said should come to the ball with me and I intend to see her keep her word.

* * *

**One hundred and sixty eight days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Shepard came to my office today. She asked how my case was going. I told her and she laughed. She said I would figure it out because I was better than that. She believes I am so I'll prove her right.

* * *

**One hundred and seventy two days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

The charity ball was today. Shepard came with me, but she was in her fatigues. I told her they weren't proper attire for a formal occasion. She said 'what does it matter if you're the only one who can see me?' She seemed so sad.

* * *

**One hundred and eighty three days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I can't believe it's been six months since the _Normandy_ was lost. It still feels so surreal. I called in to work today. I wanted to spend some time at the memorial the Council had put up in the Presidium for the Savior of the Citadel. It wasn't anything fancy. It was just a small garden full of plants from earth with a stone that said it was dedicated to human Commander Austin Shepard who saved the Council and Citadel from the geth. I brought some flowers that are native to Palavin. They really stand out, but Shepard told me she liked them. She sat in the grass under the tree and pulled her knees to her chest. She stayed there when I left.

* * *

**One hundred and ninety days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I quit C-Sec. I will catch that damn drug smuggler without their rules getting in my way. Shepard warned me about the decision but I had to do it. I have to make a difference.

* * *

**One hundred and ninety nine days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I found him and he gave me the info on his supplier. Omega. I should have known. Shepard said she would come with me, if only to keep my ass alive. I'm glad she's here.

* * *

**Two hundred and four days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I stopped a vorcha from mugging an older human couple today. Not even five minutes on the damn station. The man had blue eyes that were a few shades lighter than Shepard's. The woman had a warm smile that was like Shepard's. But they weren't her. She was waiting at the other side of the door. She thanked me for helping them. I told her they called me a 'real-life angel' and she actually agreed with them. But she didn't laugh.

* * *

**Two hundred and fifteen days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I found another turian, Sidonis in the club today. He offered to work with me and I accepted. If Shepard couldn't get a team together now, I sure as hell could. Shepard told me he gave her a bad feeling. I tried to joke about it, but she didn't react. What is going on with her?

* * *

**Two hundred and twenty days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

A couple of batarians joined up today. Ex-mercs. They seem okay to me and Shepard didn't even say anything bad about them. I knew she hated batarians after Mindior. She really doesn't say anything these days. She comes around every day but is becoming a silent presence. Next time she comes to visit, I'm going to ask her.

* * *

**Two hundred and thirty three days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Got another team mate, a salarian explosives expert. I think he used to be part of STG. I asked Shepard why she was being so quite. She said because I didn't need her to say anything. When I needed her advice, she assured me I would wish she would shut up. At least she made a joke.

* * *

**Two hundred and thirty nine days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

People are really getting into this little group. It has twelve members now, counting me, and I think we might really be making a difference. Or at least we will be when we have more time to work together. I need to ask Shepard for advice on how she got the old crew to work so well together.

* * *

**Two hundred and sixty days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

We took out our first major shipment of red sand today. It's not the supplier I came here for, but it's still something. We went out and had drinks. A few of the guys still haven't come back and the ones that are here are out cold. Shepard went with us, but didn't drink. She said she didn't drink in uniform, even if I was the only one who could see her. I still think she seems sad.

* * *

**Two hundred and seventy four days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I finally got Shepard to talk to me. She doesn't like being gone. She said it's not right. She doesn't feel dead, but everyone else has moved on. I want to help her, but I don't know how. I told her as much and I at least got a smile. She said she wouldn't accept it anyway. Someone had to make sure my plated hide stayed in one piece.

* * *

**Two hundred and eighty nine days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Got a solid lead on my supplier. Everyone is eager to see some more action. They're starting to get close. It's almost like the old days. But there's no _Normandy_.

* * *

**Three hundred days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Everything went to hell today. We were doing a routine sweep and got ambushed. Shepard saw it and yelled at me to get down. I passed the message along and we managed to fight it out with only minor injuries. She chewed my ass out. 'God damn it, Vakarian! What the hell were you thinking? You should have seen that coming. I can't shoot them before they shoot you anymore. You have to watch! Damn it you can't join me yet. You still have shit to do! Don't scare me like that ever again.' I almost laughed. Almost.

* * *

**Three hundred and six days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

We're taking some time to heal after the ambush. Shepard isn't mad anymore, or at least I don't think she is. She's back to not talking. But at least she's here.

* * *

**Three hundred and seventeen days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I have no idea what the actual date is. And, frankly I don't care. She's still gone and I'm still on Omega. I'm trying to make a difference and the squad seems to think it's working and I want to believe them. But I miss the old days. I miss the _Normandy_. I miss Shepard.

* * *

**Three hundred and thirty one days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

We got the red sand supplier I originally came here for. The team went to celebrate. I went with them for a while, but came back early. I find myself clinging to the past more and more these days. How long can I hold on before it's time to let go?

* * *

**Three hundred and forty one days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

We struck a huge blow to the Blue Suns today. The batarians were quite pleased. I decided I really didn't want to know why. Shepard always talked to people, got to know them. I can't do that. But they talk to each other and I listen in. It's almost as good.

* * *

**Three hundred and fifty two days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

We've been making a series of smaller raids anywhere we can. We're just making life miserable for the gangs, a little pay back. Shepard reminded me to watch my back. Screwing with major gangs is known to be hazardous to your health. I updated our security protocols.

* * *

**Three hundred and fifty seven days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

It's been quite lately. I think the gangs are trying to change their shipping routes. They're still predictable. We'll still get them.

* * *

**Three hundred and sixty five days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

One year. It's been one year since her ship went down. Over some icy rock called Alchera. Spirits. I miss her. She spent most of the day at the memorial garden. She said she saw Anderson and Hackett. She said they were sad, Anderson even cried. I could tell how much it hurt her. I shouldn't have let her go there alone. I've spent the last year trying to fill the gap she left and live up to the expectations she set. She keeps telling me she's proud of me, that I've done good. It would mean more if I could feel her hand on my shoulder, smell that spice of hers. I may not have been on that ship, but my life went down with it. Spirits, how did I end up in this hell hole?

* * *

**One year and five days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

We got a tip off on an Eclipse shipment. We're going to hit it in a few days. I'm trying to keep up the strong leader persona like Shepard always did. She told me today that it's okay to confide in someone, to get close to someone. She said I need it. What I need is for her to come back.

* * *

**One year and eighteen days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

That went surprisingly smooth compared to what I'm used to. Maybe trouble just followed Shepard around. She laughed at that and called me a monkey's uncle. Now to figure out what that even means….

* * *

**One year and twenty two days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I'm drunk. Shepard had to drag me back to base. What would I do without her? And spellcheck. I haven't had that much to drink in a very long time. Shepard is highly amused about something. If I could figure out which one was actually her, I'd ask. This world could not handle more than one of her. Hell it killed her once already. She's telling me to sleep it off. Might be a good idea.

* * *

**One year and thirty days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I will never drink that much shitty booze ever again. It took days for that headache to go away. Shepard laughed again and said 'I told you so.' Spirits I miss her laugh. It used to fill a room. Now I'm the only one who can hear it. At least someone can.

* * *

**One year and thirty nine days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Maybe I should start using dates again. I mean, it's been a year. But if I start using paying attention to that, Shepard might leave. I'm all she has left. Everyone else has moved on.

* * *

**One year and fifty two days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Shepard was sad again today. We effectively crippled the Blood Pack and she wouldn't celebrate. I bought her a drink. She wouldn't drink in uniform, she reminded me. She said it's cold where she is. That's all she said.

* * *

**One year and sixty three days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

A couple of the guys got hurt today. Nothing serious, but it still shouldn't have happened. We're getting sloppy. Shepard said as much. I'm going to change a few things…

* * *

**One year seventy days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

The guys are pissed since I made the changes. Serves them right. Shepard said to cut them some slack and give them a couple days off to spend time with their families.

* * *

**One year eighty four days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I took Shepard's advice and gave them a couple weeks off. They seem better now. I didn't realize how you can lose sight of things like that. Just goes to show that you can always learn something new.

* * *

**One year and ninety days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I haven't heard anything from the rest of the old crew in a long time. I'm not surprised about Kaidan. He has the Alliance and he was never as gung-ho as Shepard. It's no surprise that once they denied her claims that he would follow suit. I have no idea about Tali or Liara or Wrex. Then again, I did kind of fall off the map…

* * *

**One year and one hundred and one days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Some of the guys were bugging me about my life before Omega. I told them they would have to get me really drunk. They tried, I'll give them that. Shepard eventually convinced me to throw them a bone. I told them about the _Normandy_. She got a little annoyed when I started talking about her. Well, it was her idea.

* * *

**One year and one hundred and three days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Shepard started something ridiculous. Now they keep bugging me to tell them more stories from the _Normandy_. I don't want them to know. Or maybe it just hurts to talk about her. She told me to make her look good again.

* * *

**One year and one hundred and eleven days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Everyone in this squad has lost someone to these gangs. I'm starting to see why Shepard got to know her crew so well. One of the guys has a girl back home. He sent her favorite flowers. It made me realize how little I know about Shepard. Does she have a favorite flower? What's her favorite color? Does she have something special to comfort her when she's sad? She made it a point to know us, but did we ever really know her?

* * *

**One year and one hundred and eighteen days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

The gangs are really starting to hate us. The name 'Archangel' is being associated with us and all the good we're doing. We're really starting to bring in the credits, too. I don't care about the money. I just want to make a difference.

* * *

**One year and one hundred and twenty days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I talked to Shepard today. Really talked to her like the good old days. I asked her if she had a favorite flower. She laughed and asked me if she seemed like the type to like flowers. Well, she is a woman. So, yes. Just because she's the great Commander Shepard doesn't mean she can't like simple things. She said it was a flower from Earth. She said she would tell me what they were some other time. At least now I know she has one.

* * *

**One year and one hundred and twenty five days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Things are going better than I could have hoped. We have quite the operation going. I think some of them are getting restless thinking of the future after the fighting. I won't rest until this rock is clean.

* * *

**One year and one hundred and thirty three days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Shepard said I should listen to my team more. A good leader listens and addresses the concerns of those in his charge. I'm not good at talking with them and she knows it. But maybe I should try.

* * *

**One year and one hundred and forty days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I really have no idea how to talk to them without bring up tactical or combat situations. I asked Shepard and she said it has to come from me, not her. So, I'm back to not knowing what to do.

* * *

**One year and one hundred and fifty six days since the _Normandy_ went down...**

I'm exhausted. I haven't been able to sleep these past few days. Every time I try I dream about the crash. I wasn't even there. I don't know what I'm seeing. She sent me that message that was all smoke and fire. I couldn't even tell what part of the ship she was in. Every time, Shepard wakes me up and sits on the bed and talks to me about nothing until I calm down. I swear the bed moves when she does and it's warmer when she leaves. But that's not possible…is it?

* * *

**One year and one hundred and sixty three days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I still can't sleep, but at least there's shit to do now. More raids. I thought I would enjoy this more. I'm glad we're doing some good, but it feels petty compared to what we did on the _Normandy_.

* * *

**One year and one hundred and seventy one days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Some of the men are starting to talk about retiring. There's still too much to do for us to be talking about that. Shepard said I'm pushing too hard. I think she's wrong.

* * *

**One year and one hundred and eighty three days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

A year and a half…It seems like it's been so much longer. I wish I could go visit the memorial garden. That's where Shepard said she would be today. I know she wants me to go with her. I got so caught up in my work here that I didn't notice how long it's been.

* * *

**One year and two hundred days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Five people today said they were ready to leave. We've made more than enough money, but it's not about the money. It's about doing some good. I told them as much and they left it alone. I have a feeling this is going to come back to bite me in the ass.

* * *

**One year and two hundred and three days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Shepard told me again how she thinks I'm pushing them too hard. She's getting really agitated lately. It's making me nervous. Yeah, spending time with my dead commander for a year and a half doesn't bother me but said commander being jumpy does…

* * *

**One year and two hundred and ten days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

We managed to get one of their top lieutenants today. That'll piss them off if they weren't already. Everyone wanted to go out for drinks. It was a good night. Some of them hired an asari dancer. I politely refused that one. I keep looking for Shepard. I haven't seen her today. I hope she's okay…

* * *

**One year and two hundred and thirteen days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I actually yelled at Shepard today. I was so worried when I didn't see her for one damn day and I lost it on her today. She just stood there and let me yell. I was grateful no one else was around at least. And then she cried. She said it was getting harder to find me. I didn't know what she meant and I honestly regret asking. She said she's wandering around in the dark more. It's not as cold now, but it's not as bright either. She's afraid her time is running out. I tried to hug her; Spirits know I wanted to hold her in that moment more than I've ever wanted anything. But she wasn't there. My talons just fell right through her. It was warmer where she was standing.

* * *

**One year and two hundred and twenty five days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I asked her about her floppy fringe today. It looked longer, but it's hard to tell since she never takes it out of the damn bun. She laughed at what I called her hair. I like making her laugh. She said on living people, it does grow and they cut it to keep it where they want it. She assured me it doesn't hurt. She said she liked hers longer. Most human women keep it short today. She likes being different. Besides, she has a boy's name and felt like having long hair canceled it out. I don't get it, but it just feels so good to talk to her.

* * *

**One year and two hundred and thirty days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

A lot of the guys are talking about just one more big hit to the gangs and calling it quits. We've made so much progress. I can't let them quit, not now. I tried to talk to them and they just brushed it off. I can't make them think like me. I don't have a way with words that Shepard has. Had…

* * *

**One year and two hundred and thirty six days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Shepard didn't talk again today. She just stood staring out of one of the windows in our base. At least she's still here. But what if I'm keeping her from the afterlife by not letting her go? I want to ask her, but I don't know how to. She doesn't deserve to be trapped here watching life go on without her. What would I do without her?

* * *

**One year and two hundred and thirty nine days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I asked her today. She smiled and told me that wasn't how it worked. I wasn't what was keeping her here. It was something else. She doesn't know what, though. She said she's lucky that she has me to talk to; otherwise she'd have gone insane by now. If that's the only thing I can do to help her, then that's what I'll do.

* * *

**One year and two hundred and fifty days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

The guys asked for another tale from the old ship over drinks. I gave them the one about Doctor Saleon. I even told them what I learned from Shepard. Someone had the balls to ask if I had a 'thing' for her. She's great and all, but let's not go there. Oh, she had a wicked smirk on her face when that came up.

* * *

**One year and two hundred and sixty one days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Do I have a thing for her? She was my commander. She was my friend. I don't think it ever went beyond that. Besides she had Kaidan. But she wasn't off spending her…dead…years with him, now was she. I was never jealous of them. I didn't have a reason to be. So then, why am I glad she's with me now and not with him?

* * *

**One year and two hundred and sixty eight days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I couldn't have had a thing for her. It's just not right. We aren't even the same species. Why am I obsessing over this? It's not like it matters. She's gone. But she's not. I still see her every day, talk to her like nothing happened. I asked why she was here with me and she said because I'm the only one that hasn't given up on her. Dead or not, I still remember what she said. I still fight for us.

* * *

**One year and two hundred and seventy five days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

We've made a few smaller raids. Nothing big, just enough to keep the bad guys on their toes. We're trying to ride it out, wait for something bigger that knocks a hard blow. Shepard said not to become complacent.

* * *

**One year and two hundred and eighty three days since the _Normandy _went down…**

One of the guys found his brother dead from tainted red sand. He asked if we could find whoever was selling it and take them out. I'm more than happy to comply. Shepard argued that revenge wasn't a good reason to kill someone. I told her that I was doing it so no one else would have to go through the pain of loss. I don't think she believed me.

* * *

**One year and two hundred and ninety eight days since the _Normandy _went down…**

We got the bastard. We had drinks. A lot of drinks. Shepard had to drag me back to the base again. Spirits I think I love that woman. She told me I'm drunk and to stop talking. Only if I get a kiss. I think she tried to slap me. I couldn't stop laughing. What in the hell did I drink?

* * *

**One year and three hundred and four days since the _Normandy _went down…**

My head still hurts. I think I said something stupid but I don't remember and Shepard won't tell me. I'm mildly concerned. At least I'm not the only one feeling like shit.

* * *

**One year and three hundred and twenty days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I never realized how blue her eyes are. Wow. How did I miss that? They look like the ocean. I could seriously get lost in them. She asked if I took a hit of red sand when she wasn't looking. I told her no, she just has pretty eyes. She said I'm weirding her out by staring. Well, she shouldn't have had such pretty eyes then.

* * *

**One year and three hundred and thirty four days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I think I might have had a thing for her. I'd be a fool not to. She's a spectacular woman. Not like it matters now anyway. It just makes it hurt worse, actually. Damn it. She keeps asking what's on my mind. When I find the right words, I'll tell her.

* * *

**One year and three hundred and forty four days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Something happened to Shepard today. She was standing next to me at the weapons bench and then she was just gone. She's never just disappeared before. She usually walks away or I leave and come back and she's gone. I don't know what to think or what to do. I can't go looking for her or panic in front of my team…What if by acknowledging my crush on her, I sent her away?

* * *

**One year and three hundred and forty five days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I still haven't seen Shepard. Did she get lost again? I wonder if there's anything I can do to bring her back. I'm worried about her.

* * *

**One year and three hundred and forty six days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I can't sleep. What if I fall asleep and she comes back? I wish I knew what happened to her. It's driving me insane not knowing where she is, if she's okay. I guess it's a good thing I never had cause to worry about her like this when she was alive. She never would have accepted it. She hates when people worry about her.

* * *

**One year and three hundred and forty seven days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Shepard finally came back today. She told me that she woke up somewhere and that people were working on her. I don't know what to think about it. She's dead. Joker saw her get spaced. She's scared about it. She knows she's gone. At least she's with me now. I think I'll give the guys some more time off. I want to visit the memorial garden on the two year mark.

* * *

**One year and three hundred and fifty days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Got a call from Sidonis today. He said he found a weapons smuggling ring and needs back up. Shepard has a bad feeling about it, like the one she had before Virmire. I'll keep my guard up. Hopefully this won't take too long. I have a transport to catch.

* * *

**One year and three hundred and fifty two days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

There wasn't anything there. I looked everywhere. There wasn't anything. I tried to get a hold of Sidonis but he didn't answer. I'm still keeping my guard up. Shepard is really agitated again. I'm heading back to the base since it was a dead end.

* * *

**One year and three hundred and fifty four days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Gone. Every one of them, gone. The mercs ambushed our base. There were two still alive when I got there, but there was nothing I could do. I was too late. I blamed Shepard. She should have known. She's dead. She could have followed him if he made her so uncomfortable. She didn't say anything. She just moved from body to body with a horrified look on her face.

* * *

**One year and three hundred and sixty days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

They did it to get to me. Those bastards. If they wanted me they should have come for me, not my men. And Sidonis. He wasn't at the base. He's not dead. But if it is how it looks I'll kill him myself.

* * *

**One year and three hundred and sixty three days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Shepard just keeps apologizing over and over. She really thinks it's her fault and I made her feel like that. I should tell her I was just lashing out. I will when she comes back. If she does. I wouldn't blame her if she didn't. I'm still counting the days since I lost the Normandy. I just lost ten good men and I'm still pining after that damn ship.

* * *

**One year and three hundred and sixty five days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Two years. Damn it. It's been two years since the _Normandy _went down. I was supposed to be at the memorial with her today. She's there alone again and I'm crawling through trash trying to get out of here alive. I will kill Sidonis. Those good men deserve better than this. I should have been there for them like I should have been there for Shepard two years ago. Maybe then neither of us would be in this mess. How many times am I going to let people down? Shepard still believes in me after all this time. I don't know what she sees. Spirits, why did she have to die? She told me she saw Anderson and Liara today. She wouldn't look me in the eye.

* * *

**Two years and four days since the _Normandy _went down…**

They really want to kill me. I've heard rumors of Eclipse, Blood Pack and Blue Suns actually working together to bring me down. Impressive.

* * *

**Two years and ten days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I've been hiding out, working on my guns. I just want to make sure I have a fighting chance. Shepard called me obsessive. Maybe I am. I have the perfect sniping spot. It shouldn't take them long to realize I'm here. They will pay.

* * *

**Two years and twelve days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

Shepard was standing next to me when something happened. She started fading out. She said she could hear someone calling her, telling her to get up. I begged her not to go. I need her here with me. She said she couldn't stop it, but promised she would come back for me. She made me swear I would make it out alive.

* * *

**Two years and sixteen days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I think Shepard is gone for good now. Really gone. I've never felt so alone before. The mercs are stepping up their game. I think I'm going to have to start sleeping less.

* * *

**Two years and eighteen days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I called my dad today. I apologized for being such a hot headed moron. He told me to forget about that and just come home. I'll try, dad.

* * *

**Two years and twenty days since the _Normandy_ went down…**

I hate gunships. At least I got it good enough it's grounded for a bit. I've been running on stims for days now. I'm getting sloppy. I don't know how much longer I can hold out. Shepard promised she'd come back for me. Did she mean I was going to die here? I would really rather not. Wait. I can smell her. I think. She's on the bridge…she's my enemy now? What the hell. Wait, is she shooting the mercs?


End file.
